Drink Irresponsibly

Concerning the question of alcohol, I have been told one too many times to “Drink responsibly.” It is not that these everyday advice peddlers lack good intentions; they simply lack good advice.

Drink, both the noun and the verb, needs no explanation here, but responsibly as an adverb and responsibility as a noun must receive comment, for almost no one today knows their meaning.

Today responsibility implies regularity. A young boy may be told to act with more responsibility and do his daily homework or chores. Responsibility further implies the constant attention of the mind. A responsible young husband with a house full of babies will not easily forget that those mouths need feeding. Responsibility further means thrift. It is considered responsible upon receiving a paycheck to set aside some amount for house, car, food, and the future in a savings account, and it is irresponsible to neglect this task.

In this case I should say that almost no one needs to be told to “drink responsibly,” for almost everyone already does. The senior dozing in the back of my philosophy class pursues the bottle with more regularity than the honors student pursues his studies. The young lady in my freshman dorm, with her tequila carefully contained in Nalgenes, pays more constant attention to the booze than most Christians pay to Christ. The young man behind me in line at the liquor store—with eight cases of beer in tow—admittedly budgets for his beverage with a frugality unknown even in those who survived the Great Depression.

Were I to meet a man who drank of his bottle daily, who never let the thought of it leave his mind nor ever lacked the funds to procure it, I would be forced to admit that he was at the very least being responsible. As he loses his job, abuses his wife, and finds himself one day sitting in the street begging for loose change, he can write with a conscience brilliantly clear: “I drank with responsibility.” For no one drinks so responsibly as does the alcoholic.

So I say drink irresponsibly. Forget your drinking schedule. Do not budget for booze. It is not medicine to be saved for; it is a joy to be surprised by. I am neither pro- nor anti-alcohol, for I cannot consider a cause without the effect. I am pro-laughter, loving, and the unique luxury of an evening spent with the warmest of friends. I am anti-melancholy, hatred, and the riotous gatherings at which everyone feels terribly alone. Should alcohol lead you to the second of these lands: leave it be. Should alcohol lead you to the first: drink and do what you will. But don’t ever, so-help-you-God, drink responsibly.