Kneeling to Propose? What’s the Point, Anyway?

I’ve heard it said many times by ministers wearing flannel or flip-flops that “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.” The conversations after the service are predictable. They ask my religious background. I am an Anglican. Even worse, I am one of those genuflecting, incense smelling, bell ringing, and Mary-adoring Anglicans. “We just love Jesus here” is always the smiling response.

After all, it’s a relationship, not a religion.

But good relationships are not mere relationships. In fact, good relationships have all the trappings of good religion. What relationship worth having doesn’t involve genuflection, incense, adoration, prostration, baptism, confession, repentance, forgiveness, and other various rituals of habit? What type of relationships do these latte-sipping, Jesus hipsters have? Didn’t they kneel before their wives when proposing for marriage? Didn’t they incense their courtship with perfume and roses? Didn’t they sit in quiet adoration of their beloved for no reason other than to bask in her beauty and presence? Didn’t they put on their best flannel and offer up their best gourmet-coffee, recognizing that they are not worthy of her time and attention?

Your relationships are like religion.

I pity the women who live with men who don’t see this simple and obvious fact. Imagine what would happen if a boy showed up for his first date in flip-flops and graphic tee, and drove his date to McDonalds, while claiming, “I’m done with useless forms. I just want to love you here.” Bumper sticker theology always withers away under scrutiny. Low Evangelicalism is to Catholicism what Disney love stories are to Chrétien de Troyes.

Being in love with another forces us to come face to face with our own inadequacies and to ponder how we may atone for them and make ourselves worthy of the beloved’s time and attention. Rituals must be undertaken, not necessarily to prove our worthiness, but to make us worthy through sacrifice. Only the self-righteous would claim a right to come as they are and be accepted for that reason alone. The religious mind understands that love is inextricably intertwined with work and sacrifice, and that most of our good relationships are rampant with ritual. Once we see this, we understand how it can’t be a relationship instead of a religion – most of our relationships have all the qualities of a religion.