‘Murica and Mary Jane: Passing to the Left and the Etiquette of Legalization

And here comes the obligatory article on marijuana. But to be completely honest, this article really is not about the legalization of marijuana. I see that as a foregone conclusion. It’s demonstrably less dangerous than alcohol; hemp is an effective and useful crop as well as a striking fashion statement; and its legalization would probably hit Mexican drug cartels where it hurts the most (I’ll give you a hint: it’s green). You see, this post is about finding common ground; it’s about understanding what marijuana is and why I’m tired of talking about it.

On the one hand, we’re hypocrites. It’s true; we’re all whited sepulchers for a million and one reasons (and not least of all because parents who used pot don’t want their kids doing it). But, you see, that isn’t the point. Sure, we have legal alcohol, which is about as negative as weed if not worse. Sure, we knowingly empower drug cartels by allowing it to remain illegal. Sure, we give it a cool mystique by keeping it in the shadowy unknown (Lil’ Wayne is cool, right guys?). But, you see, none of that matters. I don’t want to write an article about why marijuana should be legalized. That would be too easy and, frankly, not something I’d be interested in talking about.

If two paragraphs of denying the claim that I’m a pothead bent on legalizing the stuff haven’t made it clear, I’m more interested in building bridges than I am in burning bush. The fact is: I dislike hearing about how marijuana is a medical miracle as much as the next guy.  I have Crohn’s Disease and New Jersey has legal medical pot. I could theoretically get some if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. Its primary medical effect is the easing of pain and that very well may be beneficial to some, but are we really going to sell it as a medical panacea? Lord knows, I’ve heard everything about marijuana from that it increases brain activity to that if you smoke enough you’ll experience the divine. The fact is that it is a plant, a plant capable of providing minor and fleeting happiness, but a plant nonetheless.

I tire of the marijuana debate because we refuse to examine it as just that, something that grows out of the ground and is used by teenagers who are trying to escape the monotony of the modern, obesity-ridden climb toward a quick death from a doctor’s syringe. It is not a panacea; it is also not Satan. The debate has become far too clouded with extremists on both sides claiming reefer madness (points to anyone who gets the reference). To be clear, I don’t mean it’s just a plant in the “hey, man. It’s a plant, not like coke, dude. You don’t need to process it or anything” kind of way. That’s just not true. Different ways of smoking the substance are decidedly unnatural, let alone the fact that just because something is natural doesn’t make it good (I should probably just go eat some nightshade and drink spider venom; that will cure my Crohn’s). What I mean is that it is something as simple as a plant. We aren’t dealing with heaven or hell here; we’re dealing with another attempt to overcome the purgatory on earth we’ve created for ourselves with our vainglorious quest for immortality (and we’re back on this).

Back in the day, alcohol was legal because drinking water was tantamount to finding yourself in the overcrowded city of hovels in the sky. Today, the fact is that teenagers use pot because it smells like teen spirit. Legalize it? I’d vote yes on that proposition, but before I’d vote, I’d say we ought to step back and reframe the debate. As in all things, letting cooler heads prevail and remembering what we’re dealing with is the key to coming to a mutual understanding. In the pot debate, that might start with remembering that it’s a plant. In the gun debate, that might start with remembering that guns are a manmade implement (I’m not having this discussion; I might get shot.) Either way, let’s step back and have a real conversation. Because you know what? I’ll pass this issue to the left and agree with them on this one; legalize it. It’s just a matter of etiquette anyway.