The Perfect College Applicant

Life’s imitating The Onion is, it seems, an increasingly familiar occurrence, but for those particularly acquainted with the horse-trading nature of college admissions, this one is hardly parody: “College Admissions Office Finds Ideal Applicant Capable of Subsidizing Tuition Of 3 Low-Income Students.”

“Erica is truly a perfect fit for us: Not only does she show sufficient academic potential, but her parents are two highly successful professionals capable of paying the school’s annual $47,000 in tuition plus $13,000 in room and board in their entirety,” assistant admissions director Stacey Wright said, adding that she was left in awe after reading [Erica’s] near flawless income disclosure form.

When the “higher education bubble” finally bursts—and perhaps sooner rather than later—it will be, at least in part, because of exactly the point of The Onion’s barb: because colleges cared more about wringing out ever more dollars than about offering a product worth the price.

And that subpar product has left a lot of seniors responding to the ever-present “What are you doing after graduation?” questions like this.